40 Years ago today my parents were married in a small country church. There were ups and downs throughout their marriage but, they hung in there and loved each other till the end. My mama passed away on November 14, 2000 after a very long battle with cancer.
Cancer may have won her body but, her heart will forever live on in the memories of mine. It is days like this where I have struggled to understand something and is frustrated that I wish she was here the most.
I miss you so much mama…
This Summer I have been having to take a statistics class. I will take the second one in the Fall. So far, I do not like Statistics.
Learning about it, the information that is, is neat. It’s the calculations on how to get statistics that I do not get and do not like at ALL.
I am working on a case study and I have no idea what I am doing. Every time I get started things just seems to not be right and I end up having to start all over again.
*BREATH*
All I want to do, is to get through this class and the next one and then be done with it.
Tomorrow is going to be a crazy long day. I will be up at 0600 and will not be home till most likely after 2200. I better get some sleep now while I can. :-/
I have been having a great time working out. My personal trainer says I am improving wonderfully and even had to up my workout a little more today. Strength is improving, which is what I am focusing on a lot. Also my balance is doing much better. He says it is because of the strengthening of my core that I am doing better. Mostly patience and time is what is going to work for me.
Started going 2x a week to the gym. Once with the PT and once on my own for treadmill and a few weights. Nothing major because I do not know too much about weights. There are people up there that are really helpful if I need to ask questions. In September I decided I will start going to the gym 3x a week. I feel so good and loving the improvements.
I have noticed that I am starting to not crave as much sugar. Drinking more water has helped a lot too. There are times though that I am wanting the sugar real bad so, I just get a small amount of something that I want and that resolves the craving. Been working on adding the protein in my diet. After I work out I get a Recovery Shake that has 40 grams of protein powder in it. I usually get the ones with a banana blended in. Real good. Need to look into getting some protein powder for around the house.
Reading a book right now and this is something the author said and really hit me:
The past only stays with us if we constantly hold it by the hand and tug it into our future.
~Dr. George Weinberg
WOW! I was like, “Remember this Jacklyn!” 
I know there are thing that I have done and said in the past that I wish I never would have. I learned from those things and need to learn to just move on. It can be hard sometimes but, I am making it.
Have you ever been in physical pain and said something to someone that you love dearly that you really did not mean because it was the pain talking?
*SIGH*
I did this this past weekend to one of my best friends. Not just any best friend, but my best friend that I am in love with. 
My two best friends and I went to the CON KASTERBOROUS (Doctor Who convention) in Huntsville, AL last weekend. I did not sleep well at all during the night before the CON. My back was hurting and my stomach was nauseous. I was not going to let this keep me from going to the convention. I took some pain reliever and ate something and started to feel a little better. During this time of getting ready in the morning, I forgot to grab a pillow to take with me to the event to sit on for back relief. (My back can be temperamental sometimes depending on the seating that is available.) After about an hour arriving at the CON, my back had not let up and I could tell I still did not feel good. Come to find out, that time of the month was hitting me early. Let’s just say I was not happy. AT ALL. Thankfully, my best gal pal had some emergency supplies in her car. You see, when I get my monthly, the first day is the absolute hardest. My back lights up and my ovaries feel like they want to pop out of me like what happened to that guy in Aliens. Since there is nothing I can really do about this except pop some pain reliever and let it ride, that is what I was doing.
Everything was going well throughout the day and I was having a great time even though I was hurting. I believe they were having a great time too. The convention broke for dinner break. My friends and I gathered and went to eat. We enjoyed the dinner even though I did not eat very much. When we got back to the CON there was about 30 minutes before it started. I told my friends that I was just going to lay back in the seat of the car for 15-20 minutes to give my back some relief. My BF asked why I did not bring the pillow to sit on. I told him I forgot. He did not want me to lay back in the car because of safety being out in the parking lot. I know that is one of the reasons he did not want me left in the car. I asked him to sit in the front seat while I do it then. Nope. He gave me a choice that if my back was hurting that bad, then we should go home. This is where I let my anger get in the way of my friends concern for me.
I cannot remember exactly what I said because I was hurting and moody from my cycle. I believe that I pretty much said to him, that it was not his concern mixed with a few curse words. Exasperated, I left the car and went inside and was able to rest my back out on a couch in the lobby. I was feeling really sad and hurt and upset by the whole thing. I sent him a text message explaining that the reason my mood and back was bitchy was because I started my cycle at the CON. Got no response from him.
The rest of the evening he pretty much kept his distance. Hardly said a word to me. Even on the way home and the next day at the rest of the CON he kept his distance and barely said a word to me. I sent him a text apologizing and told him I know he was concerned about my safety. Still nothing. Even since then I have received no good morning, good night, or love you text that we always send to each other. No conversation I start with him are long. Mostly one word answers in return. He stayed away from the house till Thursday in which he came over to eat and do laundry. Still only speaking to me when spoken to and only in one word responses.
*SIGH*
Part of me wants to go to him and beg for him to stop this childish actions. The other part of me wants to leave it alone. I know he thinks he is teaching me a lesson because I didn’t plan properly for the event by not bringing a pillow. I believe that I hurt his feeling when I said that it was not his concern too.
What more can I do?! I apologized and I truly meant it. I have cried and cried so much that I am TIRED of crying. All I know to do is to keep sending him good mornings and good nights and I love yous to him. Asking him questions, hoping to get more than one word responses. This is breaking my heart. I can’t make him do what I want him to do. I can’t make him understand. Only he can choose to forgive me. I pray that he does. For both of us.
Yes, it has been a week and things have been moving along well with the working out. Yesterday I did my workout with my personal trainer. It was very nice being encouraged and supported throughout the hour of working out. I have been sore, obviously because I am working muscles that have been getting away with not doing too much. I also have noticed that after working out, I feel so good! I have this incredible focus and energy. I look forward to working out now. I want to work out and feel that feeling that other people that work out call a, “work out high.” With only going in once a week now, I already want to go in twice. That would be a bad thing though. I need to slowly build myself up so I do not hurt myself.
Among other things that are moving along, school is going well. My logistics class is a little daunting, but I am making it. There are a lot steps and processes in the way things are done in the programming for the class. Statistics is interesting as well. We have yet to get into a lot of the formulas that are expected. We are going to be starting that next week though. Surprisingly my accounting class is going great. I thought the accoutning class was going to be the hardest. Who knew?
Hanging in there and going to keep moving along and fighting for good grades and good health.
I have joined a gym! At first when I was contemplating this idea, I was concerned that I would not know what to do and end up hurting myself. My doctors all agreed that it was a good idea for me to do this, BUT as long as I have a personal trainer.
So, went down to my local gym which is open 24 hrs. Talked and toured to find out if it really was going to be worth it. After much thought I joined. I signed up for a personal trainer too. It is going to be expensive. I knew it was going to be. The price for the gym is not too bad, it’s the personal trainer that is going to be making me cry a little. Once a week I will meet with one and they will help me stretch and improve my muscles. Not looking to lose weight. Just build the muscle and tone. In the end I know I will be happy and it will be worth it.
I am not going to rush into it either. Going to take my time and see what is the best way to make me healthier. We did do a, “Personal Profile” that measured my blood pressure, strength, flexibility, cardiovascular, and body composition. Let’s just say the only thing going pretty good for me is my blood pressure.
My ranking on cardiovascular is 18.8. (That is VERY LOW!) I was quite shocked.
My ranking on strength is 32 lbs. Which is FAIR. We are going to work on getting me to GOOD.
My ranking on flexibility is 5.1 inches. (Very POOR!) We are going to be working on getting me to AVERAGE.
My body composition (BMI) is 26.5. I am MODERATE. That is the reason why I am joining the gym To gain muscle and tone up.
With everything that I have been through with my health these last 7 years, I know it is going to be a lot of patience and time that I will need the most. I start at 0700 in the morning for my first training session. I am pretty sure that I will be very tired the rest of the day, but I look forward to getting healthier. Even if there will be pain and tiredness.
After much looking into and much thought, I have realized if I add 6 classes that I will graduate with TWO bachelors degrees!
That is right, I will have one in Human Resources Management and on in Logistics and Supply Chain Management.
I am very excited, a bit scared, but very supported by all my friends and family.
Of course, this does mean that I will be taking 5 classes per semester expect this Summer and the last semester. Busy, busy I will be. Can you imagine all the rewards I will get by having done that though?!
1.) Two Bachelors Degrees is really cool.
2.) Two times more likely to get hired because of this.
3.) Many more other great things that I cannot think of at the moment…. HAhahaha!
OK, school is out for about a month before Summer classes start up. During this time I plan on relaxing and just enjoying myself. Classes officially were over 3 days ago. I am already board. :/
I know I will have my daily stuff that I already do, but the good thing about being in classes, you fill up all that other time with it. I can’t just sit and do nothing. I try really hard to just be lazy and relax, but I can’t for too long.
Going to drag out some books and catch up on some shows I DVR’d I guess. Also will be updating my Netflix to see if there is anything that I put off to watch. *SIGH*
I know the break is good and well deserved. As a person wanting to get their degree done though, I can’t wait for school to start!
I like someone. I am pretty sure they like me. I mean, he’s pretty adorable. I was not purposefully looking to like someone. I do not go out of my way to find someone to like.
It’s not just liking him, it’s I LIKE him.
I am confused though. I know what I want and I know what I would like to do but……..part of me is scared to do anything.
My best friend has no idea that I like someone. I have not mentioned it at all to him, because it would be nothing but, “You don’t have time to be thinking about seeing someone or dating someone or <insert all the reasons why he thinks I should not be dating>.”
The other part of me is really excited about feeling this way. Knowing that there is someone that likes me and wants to get to know me more is really great for my self-esteem. Not saying that I have bad self-esteem, but this guy liking me sure does give it a big boost.
He asked me for my number and I gave it to him. In the back of my mind I was screaming with glee! A guy, asked ME, for MY number!
Then in the corner of the front of my mind, I said to myself, “Now, you know that your best friend is not going to like that you gave him your number.” All of a sudden I am scared.
Why? WHY!?! Why am I scared of what my best friend would think about me giving my phone number to another guy?
It’s not like my best friend and I are dating or anything like that. (even though for a long time I have longed for him to want me)
I know it will never happen. My best friend will never want me the way that I want him. I have accepted this. It is just sad. Sad that I am pretty sure that he would not be happy with me talking to a guy. WHY!!!!?!?!?!?!??!?!? I don’t understand and it confuses me so much. I know that my best friend loves me very much. Heck I love him very much too, but I also know that he is never going to love me the way I wish he would.
I long for a guy to hold me again. I long for a guy to take me in his arms and hold me and kiss me and tell me I am beautiful. I want intimacy again. I want to feel the hands caressing my body.
I know I am loved, but sometimes you want to FEEL loved through the act of intimacy. It is my life and my choices to do what I want to do. I just do not want to lose my best friend because HE thinks that I should not be dating anyone.
Great blog post on eating disorders.
