I like someone. I am pretty sure they like me. I mean, he’s pretty adorable. I was not purposefully looking to like someone. I do not go out of my way to find someone to like.
It’s not just liking him, it’s I LIKE him.
I am confused though. I know what I want and I know what I would like to do but……..part of me is scared to do anything.
My best friend has no idea that I like someone. I have not mentioned it at all to him, because it would be nothing but, “You don’t have time to be thinking about seeing someone or dating someone or <insert all the reasons why he thinks I should not be dating>.”
The other part of me is really excited about feeling this way. Knowing that there is someone that likes me and wants to get to know me more is really great for my self-esteem. Not saying that I have bad self-esteem, but this guy liking me sure does give it a big boost.
He asked me for my number and I gave it to him. In the back of my mind I was screaming with glee! A guy, asked ME, for MY number!
Then in the corner of the front of my mind, I said to myself, “Now, you know that your best friend is not going to like that you gave him your number.” All of a sudden I am scared.
Why? WHY!?! Why am I scared of what my best friend would think about me giving my phone number to another guy?
It’s not like my best friend and I are dating or anything like that. (even though for a long time I have longed for him to want me)
I know it will never happen. My best friend will never want me the way that I want him. I have accepted this. It is just sad. Sad that I am pretty sure that he would not be happy with me talking to a guy. WHY!!!!?!?!?!?!??!?!? I don’t understand and it confuses me so much. I know that my best friend loves me very much. Heck I love him very much too, but I also know that he is never going to love me the way I wish he would.
I long for a guy to hold me again. I long for a guy to take me in his arms and hold me and kiss me and tell me I am beautiful. I want intimacy again. I want to feel the hands caressing my body.
I know I am loved, but sometimes you want to FEEL loved through the act of intimacy. It is my life and my choices to do what I want to do. I just do not want to lose my best friend because HE thinks that I should not be dating anyone.